Marriage as Mystery

Wives are mysterious creatures.
We make marriage a mystery for many husbands.
We don’t mean to be, but for all our talking we frequently bury our real thoughts and feelings under a mound of trivial chatter delivered in undecipherable code. Other days our emotions overwhelm us and we know they complicate and even derail the conversation when you try to get to the bottom of the tears and upset.
This must make you crazy, right?

Marriage as Love

I teach Christian wives how to love their husbands.
After a Study or Seminar I always try to give time for questions and I can tell you the same questions come up over and over.
It’s the stuff that makes wives crazy.
These are the issues that sap our energy often making us distracted and frazzled.
They are the fears and hurts that cause us to snap at you or turn a cold shoulder, when responding to you would probably diminish our anxieties and help us feel loved.

Marriage as Knowledge

Knowing your wife is not the same as loving your wife.
Her happiness and by extension your own happiness is, to a large measure, dependent on how well you know your wife. And how wisely you apply that knowledge.
You can love her, have deep affection and attachment to her, but not really know her, not understand what’s driving her behavior.

The Bible urges you to live with your wife according to knowledge.

You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor to the woman, as to the weaker vessel, as being also joint heirs of the grace of life; that your prayers may not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7 (World English Bible)

It’s a tall order and you won’t be successful on accident.
Fulfilling this directive is going to require all of your skills of analysis and implementation.
Do you ever feel like your job description and related duties as a husband could have been more clearly defined before you said I do? 🙃

Marriage as Understanding

Let me share my super secret research results with you.
If your wife is withdrawn or hostile you may find the root of it in one of these three ‘crazy makers’.
It could be a million other things (I’m sorry, we’re just that unpredictable and complex), but if you really care to know your wife and have a happier marriage please consider these prayerfully.

Here’s the short list of the things that drive wives nuts.

Seriously, these things undermine your marriage and the oneness that is suppose to characterize Christian marriages.

1. Fearing that you don’t value her partnership in life.
If you make unilateral decisions you make us peripheral and that tells us you don’t value our input or care about our feelings. Career decisions, finances, and leisure activities are not your sole purview. Add parenting decisions to that list too.

2. Selfishness in the guise of headship.
A Christian husband leads responsibly, but never out of a sense of entitlement! It’s about service to his wife and family not dominance over them.
What’s your leadership style? Who is your role model?

What does selfishness look like in real life? Usually it shows up as control and intimidation. Control of the finances, the child-rearing practices and the circle of friends and/or choice of activities. Wanna know if you’re selfish? How often do you insist on your way, your choices, your priorities ruling the day? That’s a fairly accurate measure of how selfish you are.
And, it can show up in small everyday ways and these add up over time to a disconnect that often finally surfaces in the bedroom.
I’ve never known a wife who found toothpaste globs in the sink or dirty underwear on the floor a turn on.
And selfishness in bed is the biggest turn off of all!
Lovemaking is designated as a couple’s event. If you’re a selfish lover then you will ultimately squelch all your wife’s desire.

3. Feeling you don’t appreciate what she does or like who she is as a person.
Men aren’t the only ones who desire respect. I’ll never forget one woman who said she didn’t know why her husband even wanted to have relations with her since he made it clear he didn’t think much of her as a person. That kind of hurt leaves a deep scar and chokes off a wife’s ability to freely respond physically. It can be the small slights like cutting us off in conversation or a big ticket item like ridiculing us in front of others. If you prefer the company of others over your wife or you ogle other women, then don’t be surprised at the result.

We women know we’re sometimes driven by emotion and are sometimes needy for more reassurance than is probably reasonable to expect. But as much as I hate to admit it, we are responders.
You have to ask yourself honestly if any of your wife’s crazy has your fingerprints on it?

Marriage as Maintenance

Several years ago at a wedding I listened to the father of the bride share some sage advice with his new son-in-law on marriage maintenance. The Bible passage was not at all what you might expect, but it was inspired, truly inspired. Here’s the passage he shared with his new son-in-law and of course it’s great advice for every married man and woman.

I went by the field of the lazy man,
And by the vineyard of the man devoid of understanding;
And there it was, all overgrown with thorns;
Its surface was covered with nettles;
Its stone wall was broken down.
When I saw it, I considered it well;
I looked on it and received instruction:
A little sleep, a little slumber,
A little folding of the hands to rest;
So shall your poverty come like a prowler,
And your need like an armed man.
Proverbs 24:30-34

Poverty and need in marriage are the result of neglect.
This passage speaks of financial poverty brought about by physical laziness, but you can see how the principle applies to the work of cultivating a successful, fruitful marriage.

Enemies Within

The thorns are like the yellow Star Thistle plants that came west with the railroads and have been the grief of many farmers and ranchers for over a century. They take root and crowd out the desirable grazing grasses and crops. Nettles are another type of invasive weed that crowds out the vines.

Enemies Without

The wall is broken down. That results in the vineyard being trampled by livestock and animals.
When a couple doesn’t cherish and work at cultivating and maintaining oneness, a shared intention for their life and marriage, then that marriage is vulnerable to attack from the outside. The ‘wall’ that protected them from infidelity breaks down and one or both begin to be open to other attachments.


It all speaks of deferred and neglected maintenance.
Of apathy. Of carelessness and laziness.
Don’t think I’m saying all of the burden for a happy marriage rests on your shoulders.
I spent the entire month of October writing blog posts about being a ‘good wife’.
Today was your turn in the spotlight. 😉

Now it’s your turn to respond.
What confuses and confounds you most about wives?
What super power do you use when your wife’s sanity is dangling by a thread?
What advice did or will you give your son on his wedding day?

If you haven’t seen this you’ll want to. It’s funny, but true. Sometimes we just want you to listen.


https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg?si=93IkRkX7qhgXRO85https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg?si=93IkRkX7qhgXRO85

You might also take comfort in the scientific research that confirms men have trouble understanding women. So if it’s any consolation, it’s not just you personally.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/16/men-dont-understand-women_n_3093763.html

For or more on Marriage check out these posts:

Your Marriage: 3 Lessons On the Forces That Shape Us

Are You Spoiling Your Own Marriage?