Sex and Your Marriage
I once heard that sex is about 10 percent of marriage; unless you’re not having it, then it’s 90 percent.
Is sex a minefield in your marriage?
You know, the territory you have fenced off and avoid at all costs because it’s just too dangerous to enter.
In the last few weeks I’ve read blogs for Christian women, listened to podcasts, and talked to married women about sex.
I’m writing this post and a few that will follow to try and shed some light on a subject we usually push into the shadows.
I’ve included the photo of an incredibly attractive young couple I spotted coming out of a church in Venice Italy because of the look he gave her when he took her hand to help her navigate the old stone steps of the church. They both had on sunglasses, but he whispered something and she tilted her head and gave him a very inviting smile. The look he returned spoke his love and connection to her more eloquently than any words ever could. It was obvious they were young, in love and very attached to each other.
What they seemed to have in that moment I would hope every married couple could know.
The best way to begin looking at sex is to see what the word of God has to say about it.
Why Sex is the Key to Maintaining Your Connection as a Couple?
Genesis 2:18, 24-25.
18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Healthy Marriages Need Both Leaving and Cleaving
God’s blueprint for marriage begins with two people leaving their respective nuclear families and starting their own new family by cleaving to one another.
That word cleave literally means to stick like glue.
- God’s plan for man and woman is a bond so close they become one.
- This doesn’t mean you cease to be individuals.
- It does mean that marriage has the potential to offer unparalleled intimacy with another person.
Reasonably frequent sex not only maintains your connection to each other, but enhances it as the years go on. It’s a building block you two can use whenever you like and as often as you like to keep adding to the citadel of your love.
- Sex is uniquely designed to foster this deep bond. The physical closeness and the exceptional experiences of pleasure are powerful bonding agents within marriage. They provide a buffer between you two and the rest of the world. A private encounter that serves as a reminder of one of the reasons you chose each other. And sex helps smooth out the bumps and bruises we come across in daily life. The slights and offenses at work, the struggles with raising children, financial challenges and career upsets are all softened and lessened by lovemaking. It’s an excellent way to decompress after big demanding projects, unexpected losses and even deep sorrow.
- Some Biblical Advice on Sex in Marriage🙂
Stop Saying No
1 Corinthians 7:2-5
2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
. . .the affection due her
. . .the affection due him
There is a duty in marriage, but a duty designed to be incredibly pleasurable for both.
And, there are consequences for neglecting that duty.
It puts you both at risk.
What are the risks?
- An ever widening gap that stretches out between you making you feel isolated and disconnected.
- Negative tension that grows and ultimately flows into your daily interactions.
Temptation to find someone else able to provide affection and the connection most people naturally crave.
- Emotional distance that leads to indifference and/or hostility.
Solutions in Under 30 Minutes
Are you and your spouse content with your sex lives?
In marriage sex is a little like comedy—timing is important.
There are lots of reasons couples struggle with getting and staying in sync, but there is a simple remedy.
Take a tip from Nike and Just Do It.
One simple resolution in the morning. . .
- can carry you through a busy day, a hectic dinner hour, the kids’ homework, and household chores all the while building your anticipation of affection, pleasure, and bonding with the one you love.
- It doesn’t have to be perfect.
- It doesn’t have to be earth shattering, but you can aspire to it just for fun.
- The important thing is to make it happen often enough to satisfy you both.
A lack of regular lovemaking can leave one or both partners feeling upset, confused, and rejected,
Sex is a powerful catalyst for connectivity, for bonding, for closeness, and for intimacy and for FUN.
Sex is affirming.
It says, “I love you, I desire you, I want you”.
Before you spend another 30 minutes watching a sitcom, or scanning Pinterest, or mindlessly scrolling Instagram, make a plan to reconnect with your spouse.
You might be surprised how many little problems, irritations, and conflicts will resolve themselves.
There is, of course, a ton of information available online.
I’ve listed just two resources here.
The first is an interesting, inspiring and challenging article from WebMD. Read it all the way through and maybe create a challenge for yourself. You’ll have sex for 7 nights in a row and see how you and your spouse feel about one another on Day 8.
The second is two books both from Sheila Wray Gregoire, the woman behind tolovehonorandvacuum.com
The first is called The Great Sex Rescue and I’d give it as a Bridal Shower gift if I was still attending lots of those.🙂 The other book is a decade older but it’s a classic called The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Both have plenty of research, Biblical grounding and good ideas to help you discover the joy that God intended you find in this special part of your marriage.
Obviously I’ve written this from a Christian perspective.
That’s because I’m a Christian.
I’d like to hear from you. If you’d like to share your thoughts you can find me on Instagram @kellyjgrace.
For now you might just reflect on some of the following questions.
How do you and your spouse hurdle the common difficulties of enough time and energy to have a satisfying sex life?
How often is often enough?
And how does a temporary conflict between you effect sex?
In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.